Relationship tips: move anger to calmness without meditation


Relationship tips: move anger to calmness without meditation

Your family unit is a mess,  anger is in the way….. it’s affecting your professional life…don’t deny it, many can see it. You struggle at home to express yourself, worried how the other person will respond, everyone is angry, then you go to work and take it out there. But then… one day… you have this one argument that is a no win-win for either of you, you leave the house but the argument continues in your head as you go on with your day.

You tried the whole mindfulness approach but hey! stuff gets in the way, mindfulness seems like a long process and you need a “cure” now! Yes, they are excuses, but the fact is you are not inspired. You feel more tensed than relaxed in your relationship and wonder where did it all go wrong. Both of you want to be right and neither wrong.

But remember… there will be that day… you know the one that you did not expect, that day you wished you never argued and stayed so strong in your opinion. You know, that day you said: “ I wish I had not….”

Anger, what’s the cost?

Why do we put off the practice of training our mind off, until something drastic happens? No one thinks it can happen to them, but how many lives have you known where sudden change shifted everyone’s life around it?

FACT: The brain eventually does get tired and fatigue itself but when you finally do want to take a different approach you can’t get rid of the consequences of putting it off in the first place. Your mind is like a computer, if you fill it with too many files, crashes will happen. Trust me, I’ve seen clients tell me the words “later”, and thinking things will fall into place but stayed angry until the day they were just too tired. It’s really painful to watch this because you hurt you.

 What is the cost and return on investment of experiencing Anger?

An example of cost: I get you, even as an ex-yoga teacher, I burnt -out even after the whole mindfulness courses. I burnt out, too, empathy fatigue, they called it, maybe it was the 8 classes a day. I call it a wake-up call or success fatigue. Working too hard on the company and costing my self- worth. What is the point of financial security for a rainy day, when the rainy day will be your health failing because of all the over effort getting the wealth in the first place and forsaking your emotional balance?

I felt something was missing, what was it…. So I stopped practicing the one size fits all mindfulness and started watching my mind using all the tools I had without sitting for meditation, I sat in stillness and gave myself the same practice I gave clients…. I saw the secret why it was not working and what works:

What wasn’t working was a mind forced to practice mindfulness, will never feel the effects of mindfulness. Because it’s done with the same way as I worked, with aggression. It’s the same energy quality as anger. Clearing the mind really depends on the kind of energy the mind runs on.

Now Mindfulness tackles this, yet for many, the quality of its benefit is low, because once a week really doesn’t do the trick but 66 days of small tasks will. Science has shared this evidence with us. The investment of 66 days, is like investing in the bank, every day a small increment through observation. Every day you invest small in yourself, will have long-term returns.

Yoga was brilliant in breaking this process down. Not the one you attend at a yoga class for 1.5 hours for exercise. Did you know that a mind is prepared for meditation? Did you know you reap results before sitting for meditation? Yoga had nothing to do with postures, in fact, all they are is an instrument to develop patience with ourselves and most of all for meditation to happen automatically…. yes, automatically.

Yoga is about clearing out the stuck energy. Are you aware of the thoughts in our head can influence our hormonal, immune and nervous system?…. and yoga practices clears this out, but not through yoga exercises alone.

Every mind expresses their personality differences. So very briefly, there are three kinds of energies behind the way we express ourselves. ( If you want the quiz to find out which one you are, you have to join the email list)

These three energies are:

whose mind is full of thoughts and keep thinking about them as a problem, they don’t want to take action, we call them the over -worrier

  1. whose mind is many thoughts trying to fix it, burning their energy , we call them over-thinker.
  2. whose mind is many thoughts scattered all over the place, they feel it’s too much, we call them the overwhelmed.

We approach our relationship with one of these three kinds of relationship.

Now let’s apply like mathematics ( though numbers are not my fave thing).

Ok, so roll with this for a moment, let’s observe 2 kinds of stuck situations you can have in your relationship with these energies:

Sometimes a relationship feels like a no solution right? whatever way you decide, you feel like its a dead -end. I call it the ( f*ck if you do and f*ck if you don’t approach) Both of these inspires anger.

Which one can be beneficial? Neither….. here is why….

The f*cked if you do approach:

Anger and Kidding me
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This can be split into two: 

1.The Over-thinker tends to be like this: your energy burns out because you keep trying to force a solution… The word: Trying is the key. How many times do you use that word? It’s dirtier than f*ck. Trying is a dead give away you are doing too much effort. The effort is needed but a fake effort is costing you.

2. The Over-whelmed tends to be like: constantly searching for the many many solutions and burns out by overwhelming itself, in forms of nervousness.

There is a tendency to hide these fears or not recognize them as causing trouble. With both these energies, don’t jump right away and say I don’t have fears, everyone does, we just don’t like anyone to know. What fear shows up in:

  1. Expecting a certain outcome to prevent something from happening that you don’t want. Notice your intention
  2. The effort it takes to stress on it and force something else to happen.

There is no cookie cutter approach to our mind, this is a bird’s eye view. 

 Start today and recognize it by this: what is driving you, is it your action fear-driven or relaxing in awareness without expectation?Notice it anytime of the day.

The f*cked if you don’t approach:

anger and sadness
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Very often the over-worrier experiences this. Your energy doesn’t want to move but it is. In fact, it’s draining you by only thinking about the problem over and over and it’s probably suppressing or clogging the energy! The energy is spent differently, its weighing you down, because the voice in your head convinces you, what you want to do, will hurt another and judging you.

The first key is to: Observe yourself in this self-chatter and notice how involved you are in the fear and watch yourself step away from it. It’s usually called creating the gap or space… in this space, lots of choices and opportunity happens, because the brain juices can flow. 

Remember: in many instances, we fluctuate in between these three types but one is always more dominant, noticing is vital. The mind training stuff is effective when you can balance watching the self and strategically implement a decluttering process depending on the state of mind. This is key!

It takes practice, commitment, and patience. This is why science talks about 66 small habits or why even the Asians understood something with all the Eastern Philosophy and it has been successful even in their professional lives.

If you have patience in your financial investment, why not in your relationship investment?

What we can do together:

I always ask clients to tell their story with no filter, with one question: ” what’s on your mind?…what is it saying and send it to me”.It’s like the cupboard filled with worries, concerns, and have no clue where to start organizing or clearing up the mess.

Like the Marie Kondo book, clearing up the mind shifts the winds of your relationships, because:

  1. You begin to be aware of what works and doesn’t.
  2. We don’t know where or what to start looking, we clear out the suffering and train the mind to recognize what to see that is hurting you and your family.

Then we get down to the blueprint and implementation of it all. Training the mind is mindfulness, but we don’t necessarily need to sit for 20 minutes a day. We begin with seeing our life as it is then meditation will come easier to us.

Nothing breaks a heart more than to see a family fall apart because of arguments and emotional mismanagement. We have a choice, why wait to do something, when small daily tasks can influence your life, right there and then?

Want to discover more about the #befriendurmind practice, Tell me whats going on, schedule in a free 30-minute appointment and find out what is available for you to change your life, let’s make a workable plan and enhance your relationships. If not, get the book its available on Amazon, iBooks, Barnes & Nobles as an e-book. If your family matters than You matter… don’t forget that!. Contact me: